Self torturous writer’s block Fandango!!!
I’m in trouble.
It’s been several months since I’ve been able to write anything of substance, and I have no idea what to do. Well, I guess that’s not strictly true: I DO know what to do; I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do it. Pretty screwed up, huh? In most other things in life, I’ve been able to pick myself up by my bootstraps and move on, but this isn’t one of them. I guess a little background is in order.
In my teens and early to mid twenties, I was a musician. I would write a lot of poetry and I wrote a lot of songs, some of which I’m still very proud of. I played in a rock band that achieved a moderate level of success in my then home state of Indiana, and we were on our way to bigger and better things. However, the lifestyle caught up with me, and I had to extricate myself in order to have any sort of future. Once I moved to VA and got sober, I tried actively to do the band thing here, but it just never panned out. I was too picky on whom I’d work with and the standards I had. For years, I did very little creative stuff. Fast forward 14 years, a marriage, two kids (one autistic), divorce, and single fatherhood. I was working at a job I really enjoyed that allowed me a tremendous amount of freedom. I had started to get some ideas (really, I had been scheming this one for a few years now), and I got laid off. Now, while that really sucked in a lot of different ways, I finally got off my ass and started to write, only to find that I really enjoyed it.
No words can describe this: perhaps some of you have had the same experience, but writing began to re-awaken that creative spark inside of me, giving it an outlet that I had not had since the last time I was in a band (early 1999), and I was digging it. I would write for a few hours a day. Some of it crap, some of it good, but I was writing. Writing fulfilled something in me that I can’t put into words. I knew I had found what I was supposed to do. I could tell that my technique, my technical skill level left a lot to be desired, but my ideas were solid and I believed in them. My novel was floundering a bit when I found NaNoWriMo (which is where I met some of you).
I LOVED NaNoWriMo. The pressure was on, and it wasn’t easy, but I did it, finished my book with a day and a half to spare. Some of it was pretty sparse, as I (then and currently) believe I’m an “add to” writer rather than a “cut down” writer. A lot of the books I had read on novel writing (Stephen King’s book was an immense help to me) had touted the virtues of leaving a manuscript completely alone for awhile upon completion, so I did. For a month or two, I was working on ideas I have for a fantasy epic: sort of a story about redemption and a “riches to rags” rather than a “rags to riches” story. It was going along nicely when the well dried up.
This post is more than I’ve written in the last 2 months combined. Part of it is that I was used to unlimited writing time, and now since I’m working again, I have very little time. Part of it is some weird mental block that just about makes it impossible to write, at least in my head. And that’s where I think the secret lies.
It’s in my head.
That’s not to say that I don’t have real problems or that I’m entirely sane or anything: what I mean is that when I let the idea that I can’t write build up in my head and I do nothing to contradict it, then I can’t write. This post itself is an attempt to eradicate the writer’s block that I’ve been experiencing. I guess what I need to do is to just write. I need a goal. Let’s say, at least 500 words a day. I know that sometimes it’s going to end up being 500 words about how I have no desire to write today, but it’s better than not writing (I guess). Part of it is that I have to get over the idea that I’m not a writer. I AM a writer, I’m just at a very basic skill level and I’m really not used to all this yet.
So my next question is “What do I write about?” I don’t think I’m ready to start writing and editing my NaNo book yet, but I gotta have something to write. I found this neat little podcast called “Writing Excuses” (you can get it for free on audible.com or iTunes). Basically, the show is 15 minutes long where they discuss some aspect of writing, and then they give a writing prompt. Though I haven’t done any of the exercises yet, it does present some good ideas.
Basically, I just need to get off my ass and write! I can agonize and philosophize and strategize all I want, but I need to fucking write! (Oops, I said “fuck”). I don’t believe there’s a shortcut, and there damn sure isn’t some magic phrase or formula that’s gonna make me write. I need to ignore all the internal-antagonist crap that tells me I should just give it up and work at McDonald’s; there is quite a lot of that for me, and I’m willing to bet that I’m not unique in that regard. There are no shortcuts. There is no way around this. I have to go through it. I just need to write!
Sorry if this post seems over-long and superfluous. I bet you can’t tell that I’m using this to get my daily word count in, huh?!?!
